Jersey Shore…In South Beach? Season Two Premiere Retro Live Blog

I went out last night, you know, having a life, so I wasn’t able to live-tweet the Season Two premiere of the MTV trainwreck (and by trainwreck I mean can’t look away) show Jersey Shore. I also didn’t see any of the tweets because I was actually off-line for several hours interacting with live human beings in real life. So of course this means that I must do a retro live-blog of the premiere while watching it on TiVo. Don’t worry. I will not be doing this every week. Just for the premiere, like I did for Season One.

I have been mercifully unaware of the off-season goings on with the cast. And until I saw Snooki on the front page of last Sunday’s New York Times Sunday Styles section (yes, really, that happened), had almost forgotten about these guidos and guidettes. But they’re back. And in Miami. So I have to watch. God help me.

Enjoy!

Previously on Jersey Shore: fist pumps, douchebaggery, Snooki, GTL, drama, JWoww’s fake tits, Vinny’s eyebrows.

The gang’s back together! Wait – Angelina is in the opening credits? *spoiler alert*

Snowmageddon!!!!!

“You can’t get tan in this weather. Can’t creep in this weather.” Pauly D. we missed you.

“I’m done snookin’ for love. I found an amazing gorilla juicehead.” No words.

Vegas just took the odds of Snooki cheating on Emilio off the board.

“I don’t go tanning tanning anymore because Obama put a 10% tax on tanning. And I feel like he did that intentionally for us. McCain would never put a 10% tax on tanning. Because he’s pale and he would probably want to be tan. Obama doesn’t have that problem. Obviously.” HOW HAD I NOT HEARD ABOUT THIS BEFORE? THIS IS GOLD!

I know Snooki is short, but she’s pretty much having sex with that steering wheel.

I’m sorry Situation you’re going to have to speak up, I can’t hear you over that jacket.

Oh, Snooki, don’t you know that they have hurricanes, not tornados, in Miami? Silly girl.

Sammi and Ronnie are single heading to Miami. Let’s see how long that lasts.

“Double bagger: you gotta put a bag over your head in case her bag falls off.” Double bagger.

Aw, Vinny, still a Mama’s boy.

Oh that’s nice neither Situation nor Pauly D. are wearing seatbelts. Wouldn’t it be awesome if they crashed on the way down?

Who will make it down to Miami first? I’ve got the boys. Just because Snooki is an idiot.

And now with Pauly D. driving, both wearing seatbelts. Ok then.

Angelina the Cockblock.

Whoa. Pauly D. and Angelina hooked up in LA during the off-season? I’m sure that won’t be relevant.

“Everybody in the world deserves a second shot.” Yes, especially when it comes to appearing on trainwreck reality tv shows. So glad you’re getting that second chance, Angelina. Congrats. #barf

“Kim Kardashian of Staten Island. With what ass?” J-Woww. That was awesome.

Of course they went fireworks shopping as long as they were passing through South Carolina. I don’t even need to add anything more.

Car gets stuck in the mud when they go to set off the fireworks. What’s the lesson here?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. The tow truck is stuck too.

“Who would Triple A call when Triple A gets stuck?” The Situation unknowingly pays tribute to one of the greatest television commercials of all time.

“Eating fried pickles was a life-changing experience.” Ladies and gentleman, Snooki.

Does this guy at the Savannah bar know who these girls are? Hilarious.

“Smush captain is on his way.” Oh, Ronnie, so charming, as always.

Vinny aiming for 60 girls in 60 days. Nice.

Holy good god what is Angelina wearing on the plane? SMH.

Sorry, Snooki, Jacksonville is not Florida. It’s Southern Georgia.

Miami. I’ve actually never been there. Connected through the airport to Ecuador and Peru, but have never been to Miami.

Angelina’s shorts are so short they should be called shos.

“Me and Pauly we don’t really hate on anybody, but deep down inside we didn’t want her to be here.” Ah, Situation, you can hate on Angelina. It’s ok.

Angelina rooming with Situation and Pauly D.? This will end well.

“Well considering I hooked up with both of youse.” Classy chick, that Angelina.

There goes Situation, hating on Sammi. But then talking about maybe hooking up with her. Delightful.

“In Miami nobody’s ugly after 2 a.m.” Nice poster on the wall.

“Just because we’re from Staten Island doesn’t mean that we’re going to get along with each other. She lacks…brains…so we don’t get along.” I heart you Vinny.

Oooh Sammi looks nervous.

Nice sunglasses Ronnie.

Yeah of course JWoww and Snooki are the last to arrive. Wish I had been able to put money on that. *sigh*

Skanks talking sh*t behind each others’ backs. Blah blah blah.

But Angelina really is a skank. Skankiest skank that ever skanked.

Hot tub!

Of course Snooki’s hoop earring falls in the conch shell while she’s listening for the ocean. Of course.

Ron Ron Juice? I don’t think it is what it sounds like it could be. Moving on.

That totally sucked for Sammi.

“I feel like a pilgrim from the frickin’ twenties washin’ this sh*t right now.” Ah yes, the great flapper pilgrims of the 20’s.

Yeah, JWoww is right. Angelina does have a pancake ass.

Oh, Sammi. Sammi is one jealous bitch.

I hope that Angelina and Ronnie hook up just so we can see Sammi beat the living crap out of Angelina. That would be fun.

The montage of them getting ready to go out is always great comedy.

Ronnie doing curls before going out. Just making sure his biceps are ripped. Hilarious.

Everybody checking their boobs. #boobcheck

Sammi: “I just feel like I don’t know.” Snooki: “I know how you feel.” WHAT????

TAXI CATFIGHT!

“I’m tryin’ to be classy right now.” Sorry, Angelina – you can never be classy, no matter how hard you try.

MORE TAXI CATFIGHT!

Snooki to Angelina: “You’re a white rat and you’re too pale and you’re nasty.”

Angelina to Snooki: “You’re too tan and you’re disgusting.”

Seriously insulting each other over how pale/tan they are. I still don’t understand this.

Those giant frozen margaritas look delicious.

Ronnie and Sam. Drama. So predictable.

And Ronnie just dropped the C word on Sam. And I’m not talking about cancer.

I definitely don’t need to see Ronnie and Sammi fighting all season.

So now Angelina is out with the guys. This ought to be fun.

Creep mode Ronnie. Charming.

Thank you Situation for the Jersey Shore glossary: “Grenades” is “a bigger ugly chick.” “Landmines. Which is a thinner ugly chick.”

Will Sammi find out about Ronnie’s creep actions tonight? Do we really care?

And Angelina just used the C word to describe Sammi. You stay classy, Angelina.

Poor Sammi. Still in love with Ron.

Ron who is currently making out with two girls at once.

And Sammi sleeping with her sunglasses on her head.

Coming up this season on Jersey Shore: drama, catfights, creeping, Ronnie and Sammi drama, Snooki, drunkenness, douchebaggery, fistpumps, hookups, skanks, catfights.

Also: the Jersey Shore cast is in the new Enrique Iglesias video? Oy.