The following takes place between the hours of 4:00 p.m. and 5:00 p.m.

Events occur in real time.

Disclaimer: the time-stamping is approximate. My TiVo time is not quite in sync with the official 24 clock, so there's a 2 minute margin of error.

4:01: Hey! Not everybody in NYC is a crack addict. #stereotyping

4:02: Two minutes in and the body count is already at two. This is going to be a good season.

4:04: Jack's granddaughter is a real cutie. I sure hope she doesn't get caught up in this nonsense.

4:05: So they use fake Fox News on a Fox show so they don't want people to see how ridiculous the real thing is?

4:05: Oh Kim Bauer. I forgot how much you annoy me.

Anil Kapoor: game show host to president

4:07: The actor who played the host of Who Wants to Be a Millionaire in Slumdog Millionaire is the president of Iran, er, Kamistan, er, generic Islamic nation.

4:07: But the actor who plays him is Indian. Oh, nevermind.

4:07: It's 24. Racial profiling is not only standard, it's expected.

4:08: President Taylor is made of awesome.

4:16: Jennifer Westfeldt lives with John Hamm. Isn't that enough? Now she must have the president of Kamistan as well?

4:18: Hassan's brother seems like a real tool. I'm sure that won't be a factor either.

4:21: 21 minutes in and Jack pulls his first awesome move of the season.

4:21: "You're lucky I'm retired." Jack Bauer. Bad ass.

4:22: Ooh. CTU has fancy new digs in NYC. Our tax dollars hard at work.

4:22: Another engaged couple at CTU? There will never be another Tony and Michelle!

4:22: Perimeter!

4:23: Oh blonde woman you did NOT just talk patronizingly to Chloe O'Brian.

4:24: Why won't people learn to listen to Jack Bauer?

4:24: I love how Jack pulls the same "Don't make me go to the president" move every season.

4:25: CTU director Hastings: "Gather com and tactical. Tell them we've got a situation." *giggles* Jersey Shore is EVERYWHERE!

4:26: "Who is Jack Bauer?" Arlo is clearly an idiot. And that might turn out to be relevant later. Just a hunch.

4:34: Ooh, the president got a divorce! Over Olivia. And the murder she paid for. And that's that.

4:36: Ethan's popping pills. That won't be relevant later.

4:36: Jack to Kim: "Something came up. Gonna be at little late." Understatements of the year.

4:37: Hmm...the Baccarat store is located at 59th and Madison. Let's see. That's approximately NOWHERE NEAR 18th and 9th.

4:38: Having trouble buying into the concept that Chloe is having trouble with technology.

4:38: Chloe is the modern-era greek chorus. Speak the truth, girl!

4:39: Agent Freddie Prinze Jr. Not really buying it.

Freddie Prinze Jr. as CTU agent. Interesting. (photo courtesy fusedfilm.com)

4:40: Oh no, damn good samaritan calling the police. Don't you know it's Jack Bauer?

4:41: The Magic Satchel! It's back!

4:45: Oh damn. Mrs. Hassan looks like a cold bitch.

4:46: Hassan's daughter seems like a good kid. I hope she doesn't get caught up in all this nonsense.

4:47: Fun fact: President Omar Hassan Ahmad al-Bashir is the real president of Sudan. I learned that when I googled "President Omar Hassan."

4:48: New Chief of Staff. Trustworthy? Too soon to tell. (Man, I've clearly watched waaaaay too much 24).

4:49: Why do they make the NYPD seem like incompetent idiots?

4:49: Listen to Jack Bauer, dammit.

4:49: Two NYPD cops down. Body count now at four.

4:50: "Mr. Hastings, we have a situation at the pickup." Situations everywhere.

4:51: And the award for best use of a firefighter's axe as an improvised murder weapon goes to...Jack Bauer!!!!!!!

4:51:: Two bad guys down. Body count now stands at six in the first hour. Nice work.

4:52: Holy fucking shit. What the hell was that? Explosion. Jaw drops.

4:53: Give me a name! Who's on the inside? Haven't we heard this before?

4:53: Of course Victor dies before he can give Jack the name of who is on the inside. Otherwise the show would be called 8.

4:54: Two CTU agents and informant dead in the explosion. Body count at 9 after first hour.

4:55: I knew Jessica Stein could not be trusted!

And that's a wrap on the first hour. Body count total stands at 9.

Let's see what unfolds next.

The following takes place between 5:00 p.m. and 6:00 p.m.

5:02: Arlo. Arlo is not to be trusted! Or just really incompetent. Too soon to tell. But there's always a mole at CTU. Always.

5:02: Dying declarations FTW!

5:03: I didn't know they knew how to pronounce nuclear on Fox. Well done.

Jessica Stein cannot be trusted! (photo courtesy buddytv.com)

5:09: So they got Jessica Stein. That was a little too easy. Somehow I think there's more to this plot.

5:14: And Chloe just said exactly what I said! You'll have to trust me on that.

5:16: "I promise I won't be long. I'll have to meet you at the airport." Oh Jack why must you lie to Kim?

5:17: "We're coming to pick you up at CTU." File under Bad Idea Jeans.

5:19: Chloe and Jack! Together again.

5:20: Why do presidents hire their brothers to be their chiefs of staff, etc.? Younger less successful brothers always have it in for older successful brothers on TV.

5:23: Aha! It's the brother! I knew it! Told you he was a total tool.

5;24: The Level 1 Bad Guy's accent sounds just like Triumph the Insult Comic Dog!

5:27: So I had to google Katee Sackhoff. I'm sorry, BSG fans, I never watched.

5:28: If Dana Walsh has a secret past and a former identity, how did CTU miss that on their oh-so-thorough security clearances? Guess I'll have suspend my disbelief. Again.

5:31: Why don't they listen to Jack Bauer? Can I program that as an auto-correct?

5:33: Chloe is right. Jack has asked her to do some crazy-ass shit over the years. I mean, days. I mean, hours. Whatever, you know what I'm saying.

Who knew Triumph would make a cameo?

5:34: Kim Bauer pleads with her father. And we have Kim Bauer to thank for this entire season of 24. I'm not sure if I'm ok with that.

5:35: Gratuitous shot of the adorable granddaughter Teri. Man I hope she doesn't get caught up in this mess.

5:36: HD is not kind to a lot of the cast members on 24.

5:37: Jack is back! We now resume to our regularly scheduled ass-kicking.

5:41: Them's some really fancy digs at CTU NYC. I wonder where it's located.

5:42: President Hassan: "If the price for peace is my life, so be it. Now, who wants to be a millionaire????" Oh, that's not what he said? I must be hearing things.

5:43: The brother has that long hair, is short and is totally sketchy. I can't believe his brother doesn't see it?

5:45: Chloe's hair looks great. And they even gave her decent clothes and a pretty necklace for this season.

5:46: Katee Sackhoff looks sort of like a fembot. A trailer trash fembot!

Katee Sackhoff as Dana Walsh, fembot CTU agent (courtesy of www.aceshowbiz.com

5:46: So if this slimy Kevin Wade found out who Dana really is, how did CTU miss this on her background check? Oh right, suspension of disbelief.

5:48: Really? If I had Sprint I could get access to a sneak peek of next week's 24? Yeah, I'll stick with Verizon thanks. Unless I get an iPhone. But I digress.

5:52: Jessica Stein had direct phone contact with someone at the end of the first hour. Was it just her editor at the newspaper or someone more sinister? When is she going to mention this?

5:53: So the Level 1 Bad Guy who launched an assault missile and took out the CTU chopper is pretending to be a police officer from Queens? Awesome!

5:53: Corollary: how did he land a job with the NYPD and on the UN Security Detail if he's a foreign national? Suspension of disbelief.

5:55: Oh yeah, Jack Bauer's gone rogue. Game on, bitches.

5:56: Not Jack Bauer's Magic Satchel! They took his Magic Satchel!

5:57: Oh he dropped President Taylor's name again!

5:58: Thank god Jack got his Magic Satchel back. All is right with the world.

5:59: OMG. Triumph the Insult Comic Dog just pulled a gun on the nice policeman and his wife.

5:59: "Tear off a strip and put it over Maggie's mouth. Do it. For me to poop on!"

And finally:

And since my rule is no previews, I will see you tomorrow night for Part II.

Total body count after the first two hours stands at nine.

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